Clothing
Casual dress How to dress : A man shall go into his shorts drawer and take the TOP pair of shorts and put them on. He shall then proceed to the shirt drawer and don TOP shirt. There will be no "matching" under any circumstances. Matching clothes is metrosexual - and metro is gay. If challenged on his mismatched clothes or horrid color combinations, it is appropriate to punch that person. Shorts : "Coach" shorts are only to be worn by the 50+ crowd and ONLY if they are ACTUAL coaches. Bicycle shorts when not riding a bike are gay - period. Cutoffs are for kids and hippies. Kids get a pass, hippies get a beating. Under no circumstances may any man wear capri shorts. Hat Beret : No man shall wear a beret unless... Fedora : Nice choice! If its good enough for Indiana Jones, its good enough for you. I mean, can YOU outrun a giant boulder and tribals with blow darts? Baseball Caps and/or Trucker Hats : These may be worn. However, under no circumstances shall a man ever wear them with the bill at any angle other than 0 degrees or 180 degrees whereas his direct frontal line of sight (in a straight line) is 0 degrees. Pants Length The bottom of a man's pants must be no higher than 3 inches from the ground and no lower than 1 inch. Bagginess : If you are not a rapper, and you do not live in the ghetto, you will not wear sagging or baggy pants at any time. Sagging pants are a prison signal for "I enjoy anal rape. "Shirt Without Pants : No man shall wear a shirt without pants... ever. Pants must be the first item worn by man at the start of his day, and the last item to come off. (The Exception to the latter part of this rule is if the man sleeps in the nude, in which case his boxers are to be the first and last things worn) : Kilt : This is the only manly skirt. Only the Scottish may wear these. The only 2 exceptions to this rule are for themed proms/frat parties, and dedicated Curlers. As the true gentleman's sport is curling and to wear a kilt in doing such sport is considered manly. Suspenders : Suspenders are frowned upon by the male community as they have been largely replaced by belts. If worn, suspenders must support the wearers pants. If they are left hanging down to be used as a "fashion" statement, they may be forcefully removed. Firemen and any other manly profession (such as fisherman) may wear suspenders as they please. "Girl" Pants/Jeans : Commonly seen in the "emo" subculture of the "punk" subculture of the Gothic culture. A man shall never, ever wear pants, or any other article of clothing for that matter, belonging to the opposite sex. Man caught wearing these is automaticaly considered a princess, and gay. Shirt Pink Shirts : No man shall wear pink! Real men do not trust pink t-shirts that say "Real men wear pink." This is like trusting Garth Brooks that country music is good, or Jeffrey Dahmer that humans are tasty. Men who wear pink have an agenda and are not to be trusted. Tucked in : No man shall tuck in a shirt without buttons. This is a law in 32 states and all of Canada and Europe. Exceptions to this rule are while participating in a sporting event, carrying a firearm in a belt holster or enduring extended periods of temperatures less than 15 degrees. Top vs Shirt : No man shall ever refer to a "shirt" as a "top" unless said "shirt" is a frilly open-chest garment on a woman. Any man within earshot of a "man" committing such a crime is obligated to give the offender a swift "nut-check." Footwear Dress Shoe Limit : No man shall own more than three pairs of dress shoes. Matching : A man should wear brown shoes with brown and black shoes with everything else. Socks : At no time shall a man wear sandals with socks. Sandals are pushing it as it is. Exception #If camouflage is required for a mission, hunting trip, or military service, then the man has exactly 60 seconds to attempt to visually align the chromatic similarities of the required gear. #This rule may be struck down in the event that the rule is an impedance to a manly goal. Examples of such including matching boxing shorts and robes, etc. The validity of such an exception to this rule is to be approved unanimously by at least 3 men. Formal Wear General Notes : If at all possible, most men should avoid any kind of function requiring formal dress. Exceptions are allowed if you are a classy, but still manly man. A classic, highly cliché example of such a man is James Bond. Vests : No man shall wear a vest based on "fashion". Vests may be worn if the colour is of the bright orange reflective variety, the vest is bullet proof, or if the vest is worn with a 3-piece suit(they're just bad ass). Ties With Formal Wear : No man past the age of 15 shall ever wear a clip on tie as a part of a formal outfit. After reaching 13 years of age, a male shall begin the process of learning the art of tying the tie. Men may only have women tie their ties for them if they already know how to tie a tie, but do not feel like doing it themselves. Ties Without Formal Wear : Never shall a man wear a tie with a T-Shirt. You are not an "emo" rocker. "Emo" is not manly. Sport coat / Suit jacket : This shall be worn to a formal event, but it may be required that you remove it at a later time. Never shall a man's jacket have more than four buttons. You should look formal, but not like you're trying to hide. If you do, in fact, have something to hide, start working out. : Socks Toe Socks : No man shall wear toe socks. It's worse than wearing women's underwear. White Socks : Although fashion commentary is usually frowned upon, a man is required to mock a fellow man caught wearing white socks with dark dress pants. Underwear Commando : The absence of underwear (AKA "commando") is not acceptable unless severe situations necessitate it. Or if you haven't done laundry in a while. Or if the girl you were with last night wore them to work. Or if you're wearing a Kilt. See kilt above. : Notes: Prom and party goers in kilts may NOT under any circumstances, go commando in a kilt. Also, Only the Scottish may expose their genitalia while wearing a kilt. Style : A man shall be restricted to three genres of underwear: boxers, briefs, and a combination of the aforementioned. Thong : Under no circumstance shall a man wear a thong or women's underwear, unless utilized as punishment for breaking man law. Clothes Borrowing : No man shall borrow clothes from anyone ever. If you don't have a pair of heels that match your purse, go to the damn store and buy a pretty dress for yourself too. Shopping : A man does not shop for clothes. A man must not browse, nor enter a clothing store unless he has a specific purpose for doing so. Garment Number : A man must never take more then three items to the change room at one point in time. A man that brings 2 or more items into a change room must buy all the items, no exceptions. Questions : When acquiring clothing a man will not ask if a garment makes him look fat. He will not ask for female opinion, nor will he let a female pick garments for him to 'just try on'. The only question a man may ask is "is this something a female would wear". If the answer is yes, no matter how 'comfortable in his sexuality' the man may be, the garment must be discarded immediatly, ritual burning is an option for pink shirts and pastel coloured pleated pants. However if the man has a hidden agenda behind bringing multiple pieces of clothing into a changing room in such a way that he gets a woman to come with this is acceptable.